Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Pants are for mortals
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
