So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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