That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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