yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The air taste purple.
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