If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
