Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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