I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
