My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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