Pants 0. Shit 1.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
a search helicopter?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
