real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
