Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
