Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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