Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
