just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
