I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
