I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
