plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My penis needs a shock collar
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
