3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
