tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
