I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
