I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
sarcasm needs its own font
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
