Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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