I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
