What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
