I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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