I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
