I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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