Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
