She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
