...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
