he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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