I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
