the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Randomize
