you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You can't motorboat a personality
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
