we made out on top of his cat.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
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Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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