What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
not ubering you a puppy
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
