Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
