i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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