No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
