i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
