I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I feel great
I just peed on a car
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
