Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
