1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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