a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
