I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
