he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
