i just wanna soil my oats bro
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
