You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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