Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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