i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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