The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
