ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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