So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
