I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You have to summon your inner elephant
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
