i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
