I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
