Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
