My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
