do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
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you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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