Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
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