i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
