hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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