i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
